Tears and Sun

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For in tears, I try to find solace

And in the water I try to find answers

Where are they?

They elude me so often

I wish to one day see

What it is that would make me smile

One that is sincere

One that is true

One that does not hide anything underneath

Will you listen to me?

Not hear, no, listen

No?

You’re not alone in that

So let’s smile brightly

And squint while looking at the sun

Maybe we will find some treasure from afar

Yes, by looking at the sun

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REVIEW: Memnoch The Devil

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I have read a few good books in my years of being absolutely obsessed about reading and with it I have grown to like (or love) some authors who I think speak to me better than others. I just recently got a book I have been trying to get my hands on for a while, and all I can say is that it was superb and intriguing… Anne Rice is very well known for her Vampire Chronicles which in my point of view is the best vampire series EVER. Anyway, this novel was written richly and smoothly but to be honest I was a bit skeptic about how do the characters all fall perfectly into the story. However, as I read on I realized that I was slowly making perfect sense.

This is an individual novel, one that you would understand as a whole without having the absolute need to buy the other ones. Of course the characters weren’t new to me, but they are simply introduced in the conversations that someone unfamiliar with the Anne Rice classics could enjoy as well. But I think you must have a pretty open mind if you want to read this book because it portrays (with perfection) a part of our belief on Heaven and Hell; good and evil; God and the Devil. I know that this book maybe old school to most of you, but I suggest to really give it a shot if you haven’t read it yet. It is brilliantly written. I finished it in awe, like “Dang, that was good…” If you are the type who likes light, refreshing books, I think you should pass, but if you like fast-paced, page turning, almost dark stories, then this is perfect for you.

When I reached that final word, I immediately thought to myself, what did it say again? It got me thinking real deep. I think we all have our own perceptions of the world we live in and how we ever really got here. There have been many theories, and stories, and assumptions on the creation of man. We have watched how man, over time, has tried to define the lines between good and evil. We have searched high and low for the very definition of what it is to be a good human being which would qualify salvation. This novel touches n the sensitive issue of what the society believes is the criteria for salvation. It speaks of that debate on whether everyone deserves to be saved. It discussed, through Memnoch and Lestat (my love), circumstances surrounding human life that may or may not lead to salvation or Heaven as some of us might call it.

And what does this salvation mean? Is it absolute? Does it transcend time and human understanding ? What is evil? Is it necessary?  To be quite honest, I had to ask myself on what my beliefs were. Not that they were shaken in any way, but it came to me that this is an aspect of our life which is very crucial, but is also very often overlooked. People have beliefs, but sometimes, they are empty. It’s not enough that you believe in something, you need to have faith. This speaks of the questions we have asked ourselves once in our lifetime. It tells of how frail humans are and in contrast, how strong we can be. Clap clap to the amazing Anne Rice…

In the end, I think what God said to Memnoch is ultimately true “Either way, I triumph don’t I?”

P.S. I know maybe some of you might think, This. Is. Ancient. But then again, all classics are right? It’s really long, I’ll try better next time. Just wanted to share the excitement…
-yhan-

I Don’t Make Resolutions

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I know this post is quite late on the “new year’s resolutions bandwagon” but I’m still gonna do it just because. So here it goes, I’m gonna say it.

I don’t make resolutions.

I believe I tried a few times, but then, after seeing how a painful imbecile I can be when it comes to sticking to them, I gave up. I’ve had quite a few New Years in my life and every single year I would hear resolutions being made, promised, followed, compromised, and broken. Such a pitiful fate for those resolutions don’t you think? And since I am a very nice person, I spare them from pitiful fate from me. I know I tried to make them when I was younger, but I can’t remember when I stopped. Just like I could never figure out how I stopped believing in Santa (although between you and me, I still think he is somewhere out there *wink*).

If I am not imagining things, I believe those resolutions during earlier years consisted of me controlling my weight and eating better and healthier. And so now when I think about it, I understand why I stopped doing it. It just does’n’t work out. The struggle is real people. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL. Now don’t confuse it with me wanting to become stick thin, simply because I refuse to become stick thin, much more than I think I don’t have the capacity to become one. As I have said in my previous post, I am working towards self-acceptance and confidence and I intend to stand by it. But that does not me I can’t want to be healthy. I have had, and am still having, health issues arising from my weight. I intend to live a reasonable number of years. I am on the process of convincing myself it’s really, really worth it and that I should start NOW. It takes a lot of willpower and I you need to be absolutely committed if you want to see results and not fall disappointed for the nth time.

I see people make promises and bucket lists. Personally, I like bucket lists and I have one of those too! I recently went to Hong Kong for a whole week and got that crossed out. But promises? Hmmm, I dunno. Wouldn’t that be the same as resolutions? Now, I’m not throwing shade on those who make resolutions. I really think that it is a healthy practice for setting goals for the whole. It works wonderfully for others, but it hasn’t for me for years. Now, I am contemplating on making resolutions for myself. I know, I know it’s late, but you know me, I don’t mind the scrutiny. Let’s see. I would probably write my journey towards resolutions yeah? I am thinking of creating small resolutions every month. We’ll see how that goes.

Let’s spend the New Year making our dreams come true and making our lives how we want them to be!

#WW: The Lonely Writer

So, so true

Shannon A Thompson

#WW: The Lonely Writer

Writing can be lonely. The career often demands hours of solitude – aside from our characters – and while our characters can be very real to us, there are still those days where a living, breathing human being might be nice to talk to. Most of the time, this urge only comes to me when I can’t find the strength to face my characters, and one of those times is right now.

I won’t call it writer’s block. I don’t believe in it. Writer’s block is almost a hysteria to me. But I can admit that I currently have writer’s depression – well, in reality, I think it’s safe to say I am depressed – but calling it writer’s depression allows me to focus on how my sadness affects my writing life.

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Ever since losing my publisher, it has been difficult. It has been hard to…

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7 Things I Learned From Being Plus Size…

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          Whenever I meet new people and spend a little time with them, I always get asked the same question. For some reason, they always end up asking me how I manage to be confident. Honestly, of the many times I have been asked this question, I can’t remember a moment when I actually answered it head on. It’s not because I don’t know why, it’s just hard to explain for me. Now you may be wondering why it is difficult for me to explain, I am not exactly the typical lean, sexy, pretty girl which I believe is the most common standard of beauty we have nowadays. I am one of those girls who’s got all the curves they need and more…I know that this is an issue that a lot of girls go through right now, so I thought I’d share how I personally rose above it, and stayed happy and confident.

      This step, I think, is the hardest for me and the most important as well. Let’s see, I always knew I was a ‘big’ girl, and I always knew that most of my peers aren’t, so technically I was different. To be quite honest, people around me were very accepting, and the children I grew up with didn’t really mind. I understand that it is a totally different playing field nowadays. People nowadays can be extremely mean and obnoxious, even the kids, and bullying is not uncommon for us. It kind of actually hit me as I entered high school because you know it was the time when the kids become adolescents and become more critical of how they look. I heard all sorts of things from family, to classmates, and even from complete strangers who just happen to have something nasty to say about a chubby teenager who just wants to do well at school and go on about her own way. Don’t get me wrong, but I didn’t really care. I was so busy with school, writing, reading, competing, and travelling that I couldn’t care less about their comments on how I look. I also learned that I had hormonal problems and I took medications which also made me get bigger at that time. During my first 2 years in college, I lost weight, and started to feel really good about myself. Then I started gaining the pounds again and started to feel uneasy again. I heard the nasty comments again; sometimes just downright mean words like pig, elephant, or comparing me to the size of the door and stuff. But then I started to think, “Will dropping down dress sizes be the only way I can feel good about myself?” I hated it. There were nights of crying, of feeling down, of trying so hard to contain my anger, that it really took an emotional drain on me.

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 Acceptance is the key…

     Then I thought, well this is who I am, and people will either like it or hate it. It came to me that I am my own person, and what other people will think about me should not dictate my happiness and how I see myself. When I look at the mirror, I see a curvy, plus size girl. I don’t fantasize about being skinny, because that is just insulting and wrong. In a way, I gradually accepted who I am really, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I respected who I am as a person. Accepting who you are is respecting yourself, and that will make others respect and accept you as well. Before, I never talked back because I didn’t know what to say and maybe at some point I agreed with them. But now, I don’t and actually can make casual jokes about it because I respect myself too much to let myself go into that puddle. And if there are still a few who choose to try and degrade you, just think, YOU are the bigger man (or woman) and try to understand their little minds.

You are loved

        I was blessed with a wonderful family, one that supported and continues to support me all the way. They were people who accepted me no matter what, and though sometimes they joke around our weight (we are quite a BIG family) I know that we will have each other’s back no matter. As I was struggling through those times, it was they who held me together. The same goes to all of you out there as well. A family does not always have to be blood-linked. You may have your parents or your extended family (like in my case), or your friends or your co-workers. People who love you are family, and they will help you, tremendously. Always remember that no matter what others say, your family will always matter more.

     You are loved, and that is all that matters. Knowing that you are loved and that you have a place where you belong is very uplifting. Surround yourself with the people you love and who love you just as much. And if you’re still looking for that place, here is a big fluffy HUG from me 🙂

come on here ya beautiful thing!!!!

come on here ya beautiful thing!!!!

       One thing that came with accepting myself is also recognizing my gifts. One reason why I took a hiatus from writing is that I really didn’t feel good about myself. And though I know that you lovely folks cannot see me as you read what’s in my cluttered mind, I still felt quite embarrassed. That was how extensive my insecurity was. Now, obviously, as I have accepted myself better, I started doing the things I love again. I’ve always known I had a knack for words. I loooooove reading, but I love writing just as much. I have always said that my only true best friends are my family and my pen-and-paper tandem. That is how you are reading an article from me:) I also love to sing and cook and to be honest, I am not at all bad at them either. So find your strengths and use them. Do them and feel good about yourself doing them. There is always that sense of pride and accomplishment in doing what you love and doing a good job at them.

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You are talented

        Share these gifts and watch yourself make everybody around you smile. At the end of the day, even if no one else notices, you can always give yourself a pat on the shoulder and say “Good job!” (I do that, not too much though ‘coz that would be really weird). You do these things because you love them and they make you happy, not because you are obliged to do so. Having people appreciate them is wonderful, but that is just a happy bonus.

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No one is like you

       You are unique… so celebrate it! You are here for a reason. You are no accident. God has created us different, but equal, if that makes any sense to you guys. Claim it and start feeling good. You can do things others can’t. They need you just as much as you need others too. Don’t be afraid to break out of your nutshell.

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Feeling bad is natural…

         Of course, you are still human, and being sad or down is natural. So don’t be afraid of that. I think this keeps our feet on the ground. There is a thin line between confidence and arrogance and feeling a pang of pain humbles us. There is nothing more unattractive than an arrogant person. Don’t panic if you start to feel bad again, it’s natural and will go away. Just make sure to wake yourself up from being down okay?

Remember the first 4 🙂

Express

        Talk to someone. This is one thing I find hard to do and I am really working on doing it much more. I have this wall I built around myself which I am still working on loosening up a bit. However, I always have my good old trusty pen and paper so I think I’m good. However, for you guys out there, I really, really suggest to talk to someone you trust. I did this a few times and it helped me lots. Go call your mom, or your dad, or your best friend. Cry, out loud if you wish it, it will help you release whatever nasty feeling you hold in your heart. I let myself cry once in a while. You are not alone in that darlin’.

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It takes some effort

        Now, feeling good will need some effort from your end too. You don’t expect people to accept and respect you if you are looking all kind of funky do you? Just recently, I started paying attention to my face, my nails, my hair and other stuff that I am not really very finicky about. I started painting my nails (which is really fun!), and putting some color on my face, and giving my hair some love (dyed it, yey). I’m still trying to get myself to groom my eyebrows though, haha! Always look clean and neat. Personally, I like a very natural yet clean look. Also, I always need to smell good. Big girls (and boys too) have this reputation of smelling funky at the end of the day; luckily I never had to deal with that issue. However, if you do have that issue, try and address it as soon as possible. It will make a huge difference on your mood, trust me.

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flowers for you darling….you look stunning today!

         Finally, I want to say that this is a gradual process. It will not happen overnight. I am still on this process of acceptance and confidence and I am proud of it. I still feel bad sometimes, and maybe tear up a bit as well, but I always manage to rise above intimidation and go on smiling. Don’t be scared to go out there and chase your dreams. Remember what the wonderful Eleanor Roosevelt once said:

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-meyanrose-

P.S. don’t forget to leave a comment and follow my blog for more posts and updates… lovelots!

And Now We Wait

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I am now sitting waiting for huge doors leading to a foreign land open. It’s a new year and i pretty much start it by waiting. Lame? Maybe not… I think we all wait. For something, for someone, for things we want or we dread. Nevertheless, I find it quite fun right? Not knowing what to find on the other side? Oh, and by the way, happy happy new year everyone!