I write to you while I am on a trip to try and find myself amidst everything I think myself to be. I know, don’t panic, I’m fine. There have been many things these past few months which have given me the chance to reflect and see what mess I have made, both in my mind and in my life. Control is one thing I pride myself in, but now, I’m afraid it has betrayed me. I am all over the place, and it has left my heart and my spirit in shambles. I find myself wanting to cry more these days, do you know? I don’t cry. I just don’t. It’s not that I can’t. Believe me I could have cried the whole day for something I don’t even know if I could. It is that I won’t. I refuse to. More and more, I find myself wanting to escape, find solace elsewhere. As days pass, I’m afraid I want to be more and more alone.
I talk to myself. I do that often. Even as a young girl I would give myself pep talks to muster up courage to do stuff. I tried. I really did. Much more than I realize, it has been a constant conversation with myself about just bouncing back into the world. Again with this, I am starting to realize, I might just be failing. Do I sound pathetic? Maybe. Helpless? I don’t think so. Ah, how I wish I had a book with me right now. Maybe I’ll buy later after this. Don’t you just love books Cornelius? They take you places, teach you things, introduce you to new people, make you feel sad or thrilled or …happy. When was the last time you have been truly happy Cornelius? When I am with my family or when I do the things I say I love, I am happy, but I am not. Am I going crazy? Merely ambivalent? To say I am confused is an utter misconception of what I am going through right now.
I am nowhere.
Where do I start dear friend? Where does someone like me begin when I have absolutely no Idea of what I am about to embark on. What am I to do? Eat pints of strawberry ice cream? Although that might be a rather pressing and satisfying thing to do, I don’t think it will suffice this time. I think of the word joy, and words to define it seem to escape me altogether. How did I define joy then Cornelius? Why can’t I do it now? Is something wrong with me? Has the world finally caught up with me? Have I really evaded reality before that it seemed to rush all over me now? Have I been dreaming all this time of who and what I am? Do I indulge myself too much? Does reality ever really bring satisfaction and wisdom? Am I drifting away? Am I?
I am sorry to burden you old friend, but it seems like of all those who had come and go, you are the one who would judge me fairly. We all judge, right Cornelius? People say we shouldn’t. Well isn’t that judging in itself? We always judge, otherwise how do we go on with living with other humans who judge as well. It’s hypocrisy to say we don’t. But then it’s what we do about it that becomes morally right or wrong or better yet humanely right or wrong. Do I burden you? Or confuse you in some way? Maybe I do, but like I said, I know you will judge me fairly and with love.
Maybe love did this. But then, what is love? Can it heal me, if this is an illness at all? Peculiar, my thoughts flow like a constant stream right now. This is the best it has functioned in weeks. Maybe I’m going back. I stare at my window and it’s pitch black. Utter darkness… absolute and resolute. A blank canvass for my thoughts, maybe I can fancy a story?
My head is noisy but blank at the same time. I used to have such an organized pattern of thought. What happened you ask? You asked the wrong person. It’s all so vague, so constant yet so fickle. Such contradictions make my head hurt, and yet my heart wants to be found Cornelius. I honestly, sincerely want to be found.
I am sorry for such random outpour of nonsense. It’s just that I haven’t felt as eloquent in a very long time. Anyway, if you find all this rubbish, then just scrap it, I won’t mind, and I would not know either way, would I? Maybe I will write to you again, this felt good, for once. Thank you…
– P –