When I Decide to Walk Away

girl-walking-away-painting

credits to the owner of this painting

I guess what they say is true, about familiarity bringing comfort. There have been countless times when I questioned myself as to why I keep on doing it. Trying to converse when all the other wants is to talk. But then, who else is there? I have no one else really. Maybe it’s the anonymity and familiarity that makes a person so attractive and so seemingly worthwhile. Frightening thing, mediocrity – in life and love, and everything else in between.

I wonder when was the last time I have had a seriously good conversation, a really good laugh, a genuinely thought-provoking discourse. The kind which, when I look back to it, I smile at the thought of how fruitful and precious it was. When did people ever forget that we learn more from conversations than a mindless button with the thumb sticking out? These days, I find myself seriously deprived of such…. shall I say luxury? Again, when did sensible conversations become such a rare thing?

It is more frustrating to have to struggle with someone you want to know much more. It’s almost infuriating to have to settle to simple question-answer episodes. Like I said, maybe the reason I stay is because of the familiarity, to the person and the situation. It’s comforting, in an almost sad way.

I won’t settle for it. I know myself enough to know that much. There will come a time for it. When I get tired, and finally convince myself, my stubborn self, that all this is not healthy and just walk away. And at that point, away I walk for good.

We become no more than strangers, and familiarity becomes just a memory, and comfort becomes nothing but a wish.

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To Cornelius, With Expectation

tcwe1

Hello dear friend. How have you been? I was deep in thought earlier when I thought of writing to you to tell you where I am in my life right now. You would indulge me this one right?

I am at a point in my life when I have to decide what I want to do with it. It’s not always the easiest, but it must be done. Taking a step back, I look at where I am right now and I am nowhere near where I want to be. Maybe not even close to near. I do know that I have to step out sooner or later. And quite honestly, that is what scares me.

I’ve been out there, chasing, running, going after things, stopping at nothing. You know this Cornelius, I was as they say, haulin’ ass. Then I made the decision to lay low to prioritize something equally important, which I don’t regret at all. But ever since then, I became complacent, and haven’t found my groove back yet I don’t know why I am afraid to go out and face the world again; especially when I am starting to despise where I am right now.

I am at a crossroads. Torn between the choice of different paths, all equally promising and frightening at the same time. Despite my fears, I am sure of two things – I do not want to stay where I am today, and I have to make a choice. After all, one of my many fears is to get stuck here, unable to get away.

I feel better these days, and you know that is a huge deal for me. Lately, I don’t feel as stuffed in, and I am slowly regaining control. There are things I wish to change about my life and there are plans. But, what I have to work on is how to execute them and make them materialize.

Sometimes, I wish I am as strong as people see me to be. I wish I could see myself through their eyes. I am sure they see a better sight. I am not exactly my own best fan. Maybe that is why I am so scared. I am scared that I can’t. For whatever thing it is, I am terrified of failing. Somehow, if I am to describe how I am in words alone, maybe a few will suffice.

I am thankful but anxious, moving but scared, hopeful and fighting.

I will write to you again once I get settled here. I miss our long conversations over tea. How was your vacation? Have you found that rare recipe you have been telling me about? I hope (dearly hope) to hear from you soon.