To Cornelius, With Expectation


Hello dear friend. How have you been? I was deep in thought earlier when I thought of writing to you to tell you where I am in my life right now. You would indulge me this one right?

I am at a point in my life when I have to decide what I want to do with it. It’s not always the easiest, but it must be done. Taking a step back, I look at where I am right now and I am nowhere near where I want to be. Maybe not even close to near. I do know that I have to step out sooner or later. And quite honestly, that is what scares me.

I’ve been out there, chasing, running, going after things, stopping at nothing. You know this Cornelius, I was as they say, haulin’ ass. Then I made the decision to lay low to prioritize something equally important, which I don’t regret at all. But ever since then, I became complacent, and haven’t found my groove back yet I don’t know why I am afraid to go out and face the world again; especially when I am starting to despise where I am right now.

I am at a crossroads. Torn between the choice of different paths, all equally promising and frightening at the same time. Despite my fears, I am sure of two things – I do not want to stay where I am today, and I have to make a choice. After all, one of my many fears is to get stuck here, unable to get away.

I feel better these days, and you know that is a huge deal for me. Lately, I don’t feel as stuffed in, and I am slowly regaining control. There are things I wish to change about my life and there are plans. But, what I have to work on is how to execute them and make them materialize.

Sometimes, I wish I am as strong as people see me to be. I wish I could see myself through their eyes. I am sure they see a better sight. I am not exactly my own best fan. Maybe that is why I am so scared. I am scared that I can’t. For whatever thing it is, I am terrified of failing. Somehow, if I am to describe how I am in words alone, maybe a few will suffice.

I am thankful but anxious, moving but scared, hopeful and fighting.

I will write to you again once I get settled here. I miss our long conversations over tea. How was your vacation? Have you found that rare recipe you have been telling me about? I hope (dearly hope) to hear from you soon.


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